The Death of the Sun

“good morning angel. happy solstice” I woke expecting my morning text from My Love and was not disappointed. I get a morning text every day that he is traveling for work or I am on quest. It is one of the aspects of My Love that I have grown to rely on. But this morning I was surprised to wake expecting it. Not because for some reason, today, his morning text shouldn’t be there, but because for several days now I have not expected nor wanted any human connection. That’s not true. I always want human connection. But sometimes the desire...
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Transformation & Celebration

Albany to Seattle Aug 29th – Oct 23rd The road south of Albany, NY was easy, beautiful, and filled with human connectedness. I bounced through conversations at coffee shops, had meals bought for me in delightful eclectic eateries, and was smiled at on the streets. I arrived at my New York house, a place I had been dreaming of for over a year. It was the home of two artisans that I had never met in person, but the mother and I had written about the deaths of our sons together in an online group, and our bonds were already strong....
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Swirling Questions in a Starry Night

The Erie Canal – Albany Aug 19th – Aug 26th I followed whimsy every day on the Erie Canal trail, no longer looking at maps or wondering where the end of my road might be. I had found a similar road of whimsy years before, when I searched for anything beyond grief after Vasu died. Insight does not always strike like lightning. Sometimes, insight is like a fever breaking and you lift your head from a darkness in your mind that had made sunlight unbearable. I dallied with daydream, imagining offering bicycle tours to groups of strange humans, and together, explore what...
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Planning An Unplanned Life

August 10th to Aug 19th – Lake Erie to The Erie Canal I crossed the border from Ohio into Pennsylvania and just a short ride after that into New York, I was in “know your farmer” territory. I found fruit stands everywhere, with ripe cantaloupe for a dollar and peaches still warm from where they had hung on the tree in the sun. Organic heirloom tomatoes cost little for a fist-sized fruit exploding with essential nutrients. I no longer saw vegetables and fruit as low calorie foods that wouldn’t sustain me, but rather great big containers of potassium, chloride, magnesium,...
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Collapse & Recovery

July 9th – Aug 8th Cobden,Il – Lake Erie, OH I didn’t want to leave the cabin. I didn’t want to get on the road again. I didn’t want to be on this tour. I didn’t want to quit. I cycled out of the driveway of the Air B&B stunned by the choices ahead of me and finding no motivation to choose. But I’ve lived without motivation before. It is what grief does to me. After Mom died, I did not know how to choose to want my life again until nearly three years later. And two years after that,...
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Humility & Humidity

June 27th – July 9th Ash Grove, MO – Cobden, Il HUMIDITY AND HUMILITY In Ash Grove, MO, I woke from heavy dreams into heat that drowns. The air could not choose which to be, gas or water, and so it hovered above the ground, an invisible river that my lungs worked against like bilge pumps. I had been warned by cyclists heading west that the road beyond Ash Grove was grueling hills, the beginnings of the climb through the Ozarks in long ribbons of narrow asphalt. I did not know if I would be capable of climbing them. I...
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Family is Complicated

June 17th-26th Eureka KS – Ash Grove MO In Eastern Kansas the sun was having too much fun with the sky. It danced through water molecules in the air, a congo line of heat continuously adding to itself during the day and refusing to leave the party all night, leaving me to wake the next morning puffy and dehydrated like hangover. I couldn’t decide whether to shower in the evening to remove the day’s sweat and road grime, or to shower in the morning to remove the night’s sweat and humidity dew. I wanted to do both – and shower...
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A Lyte Imbalance

June 10th – June 20th Wichita – Eureka, KS I met up with my guy in a dive bar in Nickerson, Kansas. He drove us south to Wichita for a weekend getaway. I was glad to get out of the heat, into air conditioned buildings. A heat wave had begun, climbing into the 90’s, and as we explored the city on foot I dashed into shops to get out of the sun as if I were escaping a sudden deluge. As we walked back towards the car along a lovely river walk, my pace slowed. My guy fretted and mentioned...
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